I’m not being brave and bold with the decision I made every single time

Some confession here:

I always defined myself as someone who’s really open-minded and bold. With recent changes in my life from a decision I made, encountering extremely high level of stress within (think mostly due to my own thoughts and worries), a read today of this article has finally make me not able to avoid the current situation any further, and admit to myself that I am not any much bold-er than people of the same age, around the same region and coming from the same background.

It’s undeniable that I’m scared, I’m feared, of the so-called hasty decision I made by people around me. Quitting my job without securing one beforehand, to go to join an overseas programme.

Even though throwing in everything and just stay unemployed is not my plan (I still plan to look for a job there when the programme starts and continue with a part-time / remote basis thereafter); even though I might still be not extreme case with not much financial obligations (no mortgage, no loan concerns, bought some financial plans even if those are not much), that’s still a lot of responsibility thoughts hit me. I am a graduate and entered the working world for about 2 years now, do I still have the privilege to make such a decision ? Will these changes affect my professional career path in the future? With current woes of economic downturn worldwide, what if a recession hit and left me hanging in the air unemployed ?

You see, these are really something not common, something that will probably haunt anybody with a decision dilemma, juggling between advice, the should-dos, educated risk etc. etc. Not talking about some nitty-gritty stuff that slips through my planning but will be affected (e.g. some status that has just been approved after been through many changes previously and waited for long, have just finalised and now due to the time frame I have to proceed with my next venture, I might have to give up that, AGAIN!)

I must admit that I can plan better, I can definitely have more considerations before I make any big decision like this. I am well aware of the big impact this had on my career, my relationship with employers, families. The disappointment by them with high expectation that’s channeled upon me. These feeling will definitely not helping much in terms of carrying out the ‘live boldly’ ‘brace yourself’ mindset that I had. There are too much to consider, too much to care about, too many aspects of my life that will be affected, and too many parties involved.

I have lost myself drowning in the thoughts somewhere, days or nights, worrying about what might happen next, what this decision will turn out. I have sleepless nights, impacted my emotional well-being further (with current state in which is already not at the very healthy level accumulated through my current job :))

I visit and revisited the quotes about not being fear, again and again, that usually works for me as a reminder, but not this time. I find it hard still to control my thoughts and channel them to the right direction. The read about this article and few more, this as well, however, do slowly helps me regain my mental consciousness and make me realise that I need to change the current state at which I am at now.

The thing is, these articles probably won’t sweep off my worries in 5-mins, neither would they help to make things more control, or help me to manage the overwhelming upcoming plans and current situations that I have to face. But they do give me strengths to go further, to take things at a time, to remind me that I would really need to leave behind those things that I can’t control, and save my energy and time to be brave and attend everything that’s within my control. Nobody can help me other than myself, and this time round, I really have to be brave, not just by mouth, but brace my mind to face the future no matter what the outcome is, taking a step at a time.

After all, I’m still extremely fortunate to have a loving family that back me, that’s supportive even though I always make decisions as opposed to what they have hoped for (not surprising that they would definitely want the safe and conventional side). Still there are friends that have given mental support, encouragement, and concerns.

Talking about being gratitude is common and easy, but this time round, in times like this that makes even slightest touch matters more, truly grateful for the unconditional love given.

As always,

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Love,

YF

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